Conker's Other Bad Fur Day
by Nekonezume
Summary: After another long night of drinking, Conker finds himself in the DK Isles... more parts soon to come with more cool parodies! Parts 1-4 so far, more to come.
1. A Few Bananas Short of a Barrel

Conker's _Other_ Bad Fur Day Part 1

©2001 This story was written by Katie (oh sure! Like I'll give you my last name!). It is totally 100% fictional, which is why it's a fanfic! If you wanna use it on your webpage, then you must e-mail me at katiec@nb.sympatico.ca. If I find my fanfic on your page without my permission, then I will personally kill you. Have a nice day :P!

LEGAL CONKER DISCLAIMER: © Random years, who knows... uhm, we'll say 2001, since this has nothing to do with Conker's Pocket Tails. Right. © 2001 Rare and Nintendo. All rights reserved.

LEGAL DONKEY KONG DISCLAIMER: © uh... well, I don't really have the proper copyright info for this one. Euh... anyway... it's copyright... 2000+, we'll say, by Rare and Nintendo. As always, all rights reserved.

NOTE: This story is NOT for kids! And plus, if you haven't beaten Conker's BFD before, there are plenty of evil spoilers around here that'll give away parts of the game, namely the ending. You've been warned! 

Conker woke up after another long night of drinking. He had no clue where he was. His throat was feeling pretty scratchy, and he cleared it, coughing loudly. His eyes were bloodshot, his mouth was dry, and his head felt like a badger's ass. He fixed his crooked crown a bit, but that didn't much help his situation. "Ohhh no..." He muttered. "It's going to be... _another_ one of those days." He tried to stand, but fell backwards. "Ugh, I need some... sleep..." He shook his head, and pushed himself up once more. He looked at his surroundings. "Euh, this doesn't look like the Cock and Plucker anymore... where am I? And... how did I get here...? Augh... my head..." He put a hand to his forehead, and walked in another direction. He felt terribly dizzy. He headed down a path for a little while, until he arrived at what appeared to be an opening to a cave, or something. He turned around to look behind him, and he saw water. Water, as well as a few other islands. "So, I'm on an island... okay... how did I get on an _island_!? Augh... anyway..." He stumbled into the cave slowly.

Donkey Kong sat on a lawn chair by his treehouse, sipping a pina colada from a coconut. He had his radio playing, he was wearing his shades, he was relatively feeling fine. Of course, he was... until Cranky arrived. "Get your fat ass off that chair and help me with the yardwork!" He screamed at his son. Donkey Kong yawned. "Can you keep it down, pops? This is my favourite song." He said coolly, gesturing his free hand to the radio. Cranky fumed. "Augh, you lazy little bastard! I _always_ have to do the bloody yardwork around my house, you don't help a bit! Why is that?" He hissed through clenched, euh, gums. DK tipped his sunglasses down so he could look at his father. "Maybe because it's _your_ house? I'm fine taking care of my _own_ house, thank you." He replied. He quickly put his sunglasses back at the top of his nose. Cranky huffed and turned around, walking back to his laboratory. "You don't take care of your house... always these banana peels lying all over the place... someone could slip and break their neck... stupid bastard." He mumbled. DK shrugged and turned the radio up over the sound of Cranky's whippersnipper being turned on. "Yoo-hoo! Donkey Kong!" Called a noticably feminine voice. DK craned his neck around to see his girlfriend, Candy, waving from outside the opening to a cave that led out of the jungle. DK waved back. "Hey, Candy. What's up?" He called back. Candy - who looks an awful lot like a monkey version of Britney Spears, don't you agree? - walked over behind DK's chair and hugged him around the neck. "Not a whole lot. I just thought that, well, you and I could spend some 'quality time'... upstairs... in your hammock... right now..." She whispered seductively in his ear. DK grinned. "I think I see what you're getting at," He removed his sunglasses and winked at her. "Sounds pretty good to me." He started to stand, when he heard something... no, someone, calling out to him. "Ughh... hello, monkey... can you, uh, help me out, here?" It was Conker. DK looked toward the drunken squirrel and immediately noticed why he needed help. I mean, some hung over squirrel wearing a king's crown in this sort of place obviously wasn't very sane. DK sighed. "I'm about to, uh, get busy here, what do you want?" He yelled back. Conker stumbled over. "Can you tell me where I am? Because... I really need to get some sleep... I don't feel very well at all I think today's gonna suck as bad as yesterday did..." He grumbled, reflecting back on yesterday's events. Okay, so, well, not all of them were bad. He rather enjoyed bouncing on an attractive sunflower's, euh, shall we say, "stigmas". But he also lost his girlfriend and became king of a place he didn't want to be at all. He sighed. He had hoped to drown his sorrows in a nice bottle of scotch, but it only worked for a few hours. Now they were back again, and twice as bad. "You're in the DK Isles, dumbass. How'd you get here without knowing, anyway? It's kind of hard to just stumble over here, you know, since you'd basically be stumbling into water." DK replied impatiently. _Dammit, would this guy just get out of here!? AUGH!_ "I... I really don't know. Don't you have a nice bit of alka-seltzer or something like that? Any context sensitive areas or anything? This is a really bad hangover and I-" DK interrupted Conker. "You obviously need some... mental help or something, because I don't know WHAT you're talking about. Context sensitive areas?" He shook his head and looked at Candy. "He's a few cents short of a dollar." He whispered. Conker frowned at him. "You know, if I didn't feel so bad right now, I'd take out my frying pan and pop you one, but I really, _really_ don't feel so good right now. Please, just... something that'll cure this damn hangover." He muttered. DK shook his head. "Fine, fine. But it'll cost ya, since Candy and I were about ready to-" Candy made a slicing motion across her neck. "Oh, we were about to, uh... eat cheese. That's right." Conker groaned, remembering the incident yesterday with Marvin (the mouse) and cheese. "Please don't mention cheese around me right now." He said to DK. DK shrugged. "Fine, whatever. Now, follow me." DK walked over to where Cranky was slicing and dicing helpless weeds into a pitiful oblivion. "Cranky," Donkey said. Cranky didn't hear DK over all the noise. "Cranky..." DK continued, growing quite annoyed. Cranky still couldn't hear him. "CRANKY TURN OFF THE FUCKIN' WEEDWACKER!" DK screamed. Cranky turned off the whippersnipper. "Watch your fuckin' language, ya little prick!" He yelled. "What do you want!?" Conker held his head and stumbled a bit. "Can you please... not yell so loud? Any louder and I'll have an anurism..." He groaned. Cranky cocked an eyebrow at Conker. "Donkey, how many times have I told you not to bring any pets home!? This squirrel is no exception! Get him outta here!" DK slapped a hand to his forehead. "Cranky, this squirrel really needs some help. In... more ways than one." Conker frowned at DK. "Make him a non-hangover potion or something. He really, _really_ needs it." Cranky pushed all his weight onto his cane and leaned forward, adjusting his spectacles to get a better look at Conker. "Back in my day we never drank alcohol. It was always soda-less sodapop. If one of us were caught drunk or with a hangover, we'd have to stomp the jelly grapes with our bare feet for a month then eat all the jam ourselves. Of course, _I_ never drank." He shook his head, and DK rolled his eyes. "Augh, would you just SHUT UP!? Nobody _cares_, and even if they did, well, they wouldn't really. Just make him a God damn potion." He urged. Cranky examined Conker even closer. "It'll cost ya, damn rodent." He grumbled. Conker sighed. "Please, just hurry up. I'll pay you after." He offered. Cranky glared at Conker for another moment, his eyeball twitching slightly, before hobbling back into his laboratory, shaking his head and mumbling "Damn squirrels... just like those bloody crocodiles. I hate those stupid things...". Conker shook his head, thinking _Augh, what have I gotten myself into _this_ time?_

Some time later, Cranky returned, carrying a bubbling blue potion. "Here ya go, ya little shit. That'll cost you three banana coins." He grumbled, handing Conker the potion. Conker drank it up, feeling better instantly. "Wow, that was just what I needed! Thanks, monkey, I feel loads better! Guess I'll be off then." He started to walk in the other direction, but Cranky grabbed him by the hood of his sweater, stopping him in mid-step. "Not so fast, squirrel. I do believe I asked for three banana coins for the potion. Either pay up, or... else." He said in a rather sinister tone. Conker grinned. "I might do that, but I've only got the bills on me, bucko. See ya, then!" He removed Cranky's grubby monkey paw from his sweater and headed off in the direction which he came. Cranky dropped his cane and grabbed Conker's hood once more with that hand. Of course, Cranky lost his balance and fell flat on his face, bringing Conker down on top of him. Candy and DK burst into laughter as Cranky yelled "Get your squirrelly ass off me! Augh... squirrels! Get off me, you little bastard!" Conker stood and brushed himself off. Then, he noticed Candy. "Whoa! Is that your girlfriend!?" He said to DK, his tongue hanging out of his mouth. DK nodded. "Yeah, that's Candy all right." He replied, putting an arm around Candy. Conker grinned sheepishly. "Whoa... she's..." then, he remembered Berri. Berri, if only she were still with him now. "...She's a monkey!" He slapped himself on the forehead. _What am I thinking!? I'm being unfaithful to Berri... heh heh, but she is pretty hot for a monkey._ "Euh, I'm Conker." He held out his hand, and DK shook it. "Nice to meet you." _Well, not really._ "Yeah, likewise." DK replied. _Uh, not really._ "Oh wait, hang on! You know Diddy, right?" Conker cocked an eyebrow. "Eh, Diddy... oh yeah! I remember him now." He thought back a bit to a time he had raced with Diddy (_author's note: Diddy Kong Racing_). But, that was a few years ago. "How is he, anyway?" _Pff, like I care._ "He's not doing so bad. How about I call him over to pay you a visit?" DK requested. Conker nodded. "Sure, sure." He said. _Oh great, this is gonna be SOME fun._ DK and Candy went off to DK's treehouse. 

An hour went by, but Candy and DK didn't return. Conker was about to go up to the treehouse, when he heard a slightly high-pitched (but obviously male) voice call out to him. "Conker! Hey, Conker!" It was Diddy. _Oh, just what I fucking need._ Conker thought. He decided not to show his unhappiness externally, and waved at Diddy. "Hey, Diddy, it's been a long time. You look, uh, the same." He remarked as Diddy stood beside him. Diddy laughed. "Wish I could say the same for you! I'm glad you ditched that dorky vest you were wearing. That didn't suit you at all." He said with a smirk. That actually made Conker feel kind of nice, because at least someone finally commented on his new style. However, Conker really had nothing nice to say about Diddy's outfit. So, he changed the subject. "Er, do you have any idea how I can get out of here?" Conker asked Diddy. Cranky limped over. "Oh, you're not leaving this island until you pay me for my services." He grumbled. Conker looked confused. "Looks like old age has taken it's toll on you, pal. I SAID," he started to yell. "I'VE ONLY GOT BILLS ON ME!" Cranky plugged his ears. "I'm not deaf, asshole! I heard you the first time! But you are GOING to get me that money, even if it almost kills you, or does! You're getting me my money!" He yelled. Conker shook his head. "And they called ME greedy, sheesh. Fine, fine, I'll get your money. Where do I find it, now?" He asked, tapping an impatient foot on the grass. Cranky shook his head. "Stupid squirrels," he muttered, shaking his head. "Where do you THINK you'll get the bloody money, out your arse!? Earn it! Get a freaking job or something, I don't care, just get the money wherever you can. Find it on the ground, for all I care, just pay me, and hurry up!" He grumbled. He stalked away to his laboratory, kicking the whippersnipper every step of the way. "Back in my day we weren't allowed to waste other people's time and not pay them. If we stole it'd be off with our ears... bloody crocodiles..." He mumbled, shaking his head. Diddy laughed a bit. "Ohhh, you've offended Cranky. Scary, eh?" He laughed his annoying monkey laugh once more. "Hey, what're you doing with that king crown on your melon anyway?" He pointed to the crown sitting atop Conker's head. _Great, just what I need._ Conker thought. "Trust me, pal, you wouldn't believe it if I told you. What are DK and Candy doing, anyway?" He asked. "They've been up their for hou-oh, geez. I think I just realized. Oh, man, I think I'll shut up now." Diddy raised an eyebrow. Or, he would, if he _had_ eyebrows, which I'm sure he didn't. He's a monkey, people, a freaking monkey. "Huh? What _are_ they doing?" He asked. Conker shook his head and looked at the ground. _Looks like this monkey hasn't received sexual education as of yet. Ho, boy._ He thought. "Uh, just you, uh, never mind there, Diddy. Now, how do I get some cash for this guy here?" He made a quick hand gesture toward Cranky's lab. Diddy grinned. "Follow me, I'll show you where the cash is." Diddy started to head off in another direction. _Mannn, that is the LAST TIME I leave the bar when I'm drunk. Next time I'll get the bartender to MAKE SURE I pass out IN the bar._ Conker thought, shaking his head. Diddy stopped running. "Hey, Conker! Ya comin'?" He called. Conker looked up. "Uh, yeah. Yeah, I'm coming." He ran after him. _Oh well, in for a penny, in for a pound._

**End of Part 1**

Whai. This is what you get when you get an insane, insane, IN-BLOODY-SANE girl addicted to foul video games; you get pure and utter crap like this. I've got plenty planned for this, though, including more movie parodies, another lock-up, and much, much more. I've even got ideas for other Conker fanfics, but since ff.net doesn't have a Conker section nor does it have a misc. games section, I'll have to request one, or not write it at all. Right, if you've got any questions or comments, feel free to [e-mail me][1] and ask/comment away! I know this wasn't funny !!!AT ALL!!! but it will be soon! Oh yeah, and just in case you were wondering, YES, I'm freaking female and I love BFD. Weird, eh? There are few females out there who enjoy that sense of humour, and I can proudly say I am one of them! Right, shutting up now. Part 2 coming very soon! 

   [1]: mailto:katiec@nb.sympatico.ca



	2. Nanaz Really... REALLY Bites!

Conker's _Other_ Bad Fur Day Part 2

©2001 This story was written by Katie (oh sure! Like I'll give you my last name!). It is totally 100% fictional, which is why it's a fanfic! If you wanna use it on your webpage, then you must e-mail me at katiec@nb.sympatico.ca. If I find my fanfic on your page without my permission, then I will personally kill you. Have a nice day :P!

LEGAL CONKER DISCLAIMER: © Random years, who knows... uhm, we'll say 2001, since this has nothing to do with Conker's Pocket Tails. Right. © 2001 Rare and Nintendo. All rights reserved.

LEGAL DONKEY KONG DISCLAIMER: © uh... well, I don't really have the proper copyright info for this one. Euh... anyway... it's copyright... 2000+, we'll say, by Rare and Nintendo. As always, all rights reserved.

NOTE: This story is NOT for kids! And plus, if you haven't beaten Conker's BFD before, there are plenty of evil spoilers around here that'll give away parts of the game, namely the ending. You've been warned! 

Conker followed Diddy back through the cave he had been through earlier in order to get to Donkey's house. It was quite dark, that cave. There were a few torches lighting it up slightly, and it smelled faintly like... bananas. In fact, everything there smelled like bananas. Oh, right, getting to the point. Well, they rushed out of the cave, and were back outside. Diddy shook his head as he pointed to an island shaped distinctly like a fat crocodile over the horizon. "That's King K. Rool's island," He told Conker. "That stupid crocodile who tried to kill us all... and our precious bananas." Conker could've sworn Diddy was going to have a heart attack for a second there. I mean, heaven forbid they go out into the jungle to pick NEW BANANAS. Conker rolled his eyes. "I'm, uh, sorry to hear that," he lied. Diddy shook his head, then grinned. "Bah, it's okay. Anyway, I'll show you where to get some money!" He ran down a path to his right, and Conker followed him.

"Nanaz, the one with bite!" Funky called out from a barrel stand, selling a new kind of beer completely made of bananas. Diddy ran over, but was a bit short for the counter, so Funky didn't notice him right away. "Whaddya mean Nanaz has bite?" Diddy asked inquisitively. Funky searched around. "Diddy?" He called out. "Whaddya mean Nanaz has bite?" Diddy repeated, as Conker strolled over, a look of pure confusion on his face. "That you, man?" Funky looked again. He still couldn't find Diddy. "Whaddya mean Nanaz has bite?" Diddy said yet again. Funky looked straight down, and lo and behold, there stood Diddy "Hey, Diddy dude! Look, I'm not supposed to give this out to minors, but here..." he handed Diddy a bottle of Nanaz. "Drink this." Diddy took it, opened the bottle, and guzzled it all down in a hurry. He dropped the bottle, breaking it into millions of tiny pieces, and staggered a bit. "WhhhHHHooOOoOoAAAaaA..." he slurred, staggering and almost falling over. "ThAt DoEs HaVe SoMe BiTe RiGhT tHeRe!" He slurred. "I'MMmMmm... GoNnA gO hOmE nOw. ByE bYe." He staggered toward the direction which he came. "You tell 'em, Diddy! You tell the WORLD!" Funky called out. Conker yelled after Diddy. "Hey! Hey, you're supposed to help me find money! HEY!" He screamed. Diddy just kept on stumblin' on, drunk as a skunk, or worse. Conker sighed, then looked up at Funky. "Hey, could I have a sample?" He asked. "Sure," Funky replied with a nod, grabbing another bottle and handing it to Conker. "Here y'are, dude. So what's this you say about needin' some money?" Funky sipped from his own bottle of Nanaz, as he leaned on the counter to listen to Conker, who took a nice swig of the stuff before opening his mouth to speak. "That old monkey back there, he made me a potion and charged me three banana coins. Problem is, I've got a million bucks, and it's not with banana coins." He muttered. He took another sip of the beer, which was actually pretty gross, but hey, it was beer. Funky nodded. "I hear ya. Cranky, augh, that stupid old fart. I'd like to pop him one, that's for sure." He shook his head and sipped on his Nanaz. Boy, that sounded wrong. "So you need some money, eh?" Conker nodded. "Tell ya what. You watch my stand for awhile, I'll get you some dough. How's that sound?" Funky offered, flailing his beer bottle around, causing some beer to spill near Conker. Conker nodded. "If it'll get me home, and get that old guy off my back, I'll do anything." He replied. Funky grinned. "Okay, then! I've gotta go to my artilery shop, coz my customers'll be waiting. Can't be too careful nowadays. Seeyeh!" Funky hopped out from the stand and ran off in another direction, spilling beer every step of the way. Conker shrugged. "Eh, well. How hard can selling beer be, anyway?" Conker shrugged and walked over behind the stand. "After all, it's beer! Everyone likes beer!" Conker leaned on the counter, and waited.

Hours upon hours past, and not a living soul passed the area. Not one bloody person! Except a bug, but Conker stepped on it before he could offer it beer. He waited until he saw a thin, lanky monkey run over... on his hands. He was dressed in the most hideous clown attire Conker had ever seen. He's a MONKEY, for crying out loud. A monkey in CLOWN attire, people. Think about it. Thought about it? Pretty scary, eh? Erm, yeah. The monkey swung his arms around as he read the sign advertising Nanaz, but he accidently slapped Conker in the face! Well, since his arms were so long, the monkey ended up knocking Conker unconscious, and tossing the poor squirrel into the water, face first. He was drowning! The monkey looked around to make sure no one was watching. "Hehehe... oops!" He laughed sheepishly, running off in another direction, hoping no one had seen that. He loped off, minding his own business.

Conker found himself in a room... not just any room, though. He found himself in a deep, dark, cold dungeon, with grey cobblestone flooring, and skull torches lighting the area dimly. Conker gulped. He recognized this place. "Oh, bloody hell, it's you again, isn't it!?" Moaned a familiar, high-pitched and strongly accented voice. Conker slapped a hand to his forehead. Could this day get _any_ worse!? "You stupid prick, went and killed yourself again, eh? Without any squirrel tails? Dumb bitch." Gregg the Grim Reaper laughed. Conker raised an eyebrow. "How exactly am I supposed to find _squirrel_ tails on an island full of _monkeys_?" He asked, folding his arms across his chest. Gregg shook his head. "Smart ass. Pff. Well, euh, you see..." Gregg paused, and gestured his hand slightly. "You can find them now, then." He huffed. Just then, the cutest kitten anyone ever could see walked in from the shadows. It meowed and looked up curiously at Gregg with its big eyes. "Piss off," Gregg hissed at it, trying to shoo it away with his scythe. The kitten meowed again. "I said... piss off!" Gregg repeated, his anger growing by the second. I'm telling you, if he had skin, I'm sure it would've been bright red with anger right then. The kitten purred and rubbed against Gregg's leg. That pissed Gregg off to the height of pisstivity. "FUCK OFF, YOU STUPID PISSING BLOODY CRAPASS CAT! PISSSSSS OFFFFFF!" He took his scythe and swung it at the kitten, picking it up and sending it flying through the room and back into the shadows. "Stupid bloody cats and their bloody catlike ways." He turned back to Conker. "Right, where were we? Oh yeah. Squirrel tails. Well, you should be able to find some now. And, eh, how did you do with those... stupid, BLOODY STUPID zombies?" He hissed, a great deal of loathing brimming from his voice. Conker laughed. "They were easy. No sweat." He replied. Gregg shook his head. "Stupid bloody undead. You know what I saw the other day? AN UNDEAD CAT." He snapped his scythe in two and threw the pieces on the floor. "I mean, God damn! If it's not cats and it's not the undead, it just has to be a bloody undead c-... Oh, shit, I broke my bloody scythe again." He picked up his broken scythe and examined the pieces, shaking his head. "Well, damn. I wasn't quite expecting that." Conker spoke up. "Uhm, you just took it and sna-" Gregg quickly interrupted him. "Enough from you, prick! Take your bloody squirrel tail and get the fuck out of here!" He took his broken scythe and walked off, shaking his head. "Stupid bloody squirrels... wish they could just piss off, permanently! Augh." Gregg disappeared into the shadows, and Conker hoped that would be the last time he ever saw him. He saw a squirrel tail hanging on the wall, so he ran over and picked it up. He fainted.

"Conker... Conker! Oh, shit, man! Conker, wake up!" Funky yelled, noticing Conker's very blue face as he shook him. He picked him up and carried him to the beach. "Conker, buddy, wake up!" He decided now would be a good time to start screaming in his ear. Never know, might work. "WAAAAAAKE UPPPP!" He screamed, but to no avail. He sighed. "He's dead... my beer-seller's really dead! Oh, shit!" He sighed once more, and got ready to toss Conker back to sea. "Here's to Conker... I didn't know him that well, but I'm sure he was a great guy." He was just about to give Conker the allmighty throw, when suddenly, the colour (or at least, the _normal_ colour) returned to his furry face, and his eyes fluttered open. "HEY! Hey, what the hell you think you're doing!?" He screamed. Inevitably, this scared the living shit out of Funky, so he screamed like a little girl and dropped Conker onto the sand, head-first. "Aww, bastard!" Conker grumbled. Fortunetly, his crown saved his noggin from becoming severly injured, however, Conker hated the damn thing, so he removed it in a hurry and tossed that stupid bugger into the sea before you could say "Holy shit, he's throwing a crown into the sea!". He huffed and dusted his hands off. "That's much better." He mumbled. He figured that since he most likely wouldn't get out of that stupid, smelly monkey island, he'd might as well resign as king of his own world. Especially since he hated being the king there ever so much. "Now, uhm, where was I? Ah yes. Some stupid long-armed monkey came over and slapped me in the head. Since his arms we so... uhm, strong?... He ended up throwing me into the water, where I drowned and died." He told Funky, who cocked a suspicious eyebrow. "You know, Conker, uhm, it says right on the bottle that Nanaz isn't for mental health patients..." _Nutter!_ He thought. Conker shook his head. "No, no, I'm dead serious!" He protested. "And Gregg was down there, and he gave me an extra squirrel tail, so I'm okay!" He grinned in a nervous fashion. Funky adjusted his sunglasses, about ready to change the subject, which he did. "Anyway, just... don't do that again, okay?" He shrugged. "So... how much beer did you sell?" He asked, a hopeful tone dancing in his voice. Conker looked down at the sand sheepishly, kicking a nearby crab into a rock. "Euuuh... I didn't... sell... any..." He trailed off. Funky removed his sunglasses, his eyes glowing bright red in anger. I'm serious! They were glowing like freaking lazers! So THAT'S why Funky never takes off his glasses... "What... do you _mean_ you didn't sell any?" He hissed through his teeth, his red eyes scaring Conker half to death, a place he didn't quite want to go just then. Conker gulped. "Errr, that is, ehm, uhhh... see ya!" He sped off in another direction, but Funky followed close behind. Conker continued to run and run, but Funky was chasing him. Conker looked around nervously, then ran behind a tree. _Just what I need._ He thought. Unfortunetly, at that very moment, Funky rammed his head into the tree Conker was sitting at. "Oh, shit!" Conker cried, leaping up and runnin' his furry little arse outta there. He sped up a winding path that led up, up, and up. He looked back to see Funky _still_ racing as fast as he had been before, and not slowing down one bit. Conker tried to speed himself up, but he couldn't. He was huffing and puffing and running out of energy. He looked ahead, and saw a rock... and a rather big one at that. _Hmmm..._ He thought. _This give me an idea..._ Conker sped up until he was right in front of the rock. Then, he decided to stop and wait for Funky to catch up. When he saw Funky come over the hill, eyes still glowing red with pure rage, he waved, then pulled a red cloth from out of nowhere and started flapping it in the breeze. "Toro! Toro!" He called out mockingly. This made Funky even angrier, so he sped up to catch the caniving little squirrel. Right when Funky was ready to grab him and beat the everlasting piss out of him (and most likely kill him), Conker stepped out of the way, causing Funky to crash into the rock. There was an explosion, and when the dust cleared, Conker saw the remanents of what appeared to be a robot. He sighed with relief. "Well, I'm certainly glad THAT'S over." He said thankfully. He glanced over at where the rock had been before, and saw a small opening. "Hmmm, appears to be an opening. I wonder if there's money in there..." He shrugged. "Ah, well! Only one way to find out!" He walked to the hole and entered, not quite sure what he would find inside.

"Bring me more vodka!" King K. Rool boomed, breathing heavily, and sitting his fat crocodile ass on his throne. One of his Kremlin servents bowed before him. "Yes, my liege, we shall bring you this... vodka that you speak of." He ran off. K. Rool took a long drag from a tab and breathed smoke into the air. He looked on his viewscreen that had hidden cameras scattered throughout the DK Isles, and pressed a button to his left. Up on the screen, he looked and saw Conker walking through the hole in the wall. He jumped up, dropping his tab onto his lap, thus burning his scaly flesh. He leapt into the air and whisked the tab away, blowing gently on his wound. He glanced back at the screen. _Am I really stoned, or is that a squirrel on there?_ He thought. He looked down at his faithful dog-like lizard companion, and asked if _he_ saw a squirrel. "One bark for yes; two for no." He added. "Ngarng!" The lizard barked. K. Rool raised an inquisitive brow. "Good; so I'm not completely stoned off my rocker. Ooooh! Pretty butterfly!" He hopped out of his seat and chased an imaginary butterfly around the room. He really _was_ stoned off his rocker. Stupid bitch.

Hours later, when the tab's effects had worn off, K. Rool was seated, sipping his vodka ever so slowly. He spoke up to his Kremlin servent. "Alfonce, about three hours ago I saw a red squirrel on the DK Isles." He said. "Alfonce" raised a... well, he doesn't have eyebrows. Okay, suppose he DID have eyebrows. He would be raising one of them right now. "Uhm, so?" He muttered. _Three hours ago you were also STONED, shithead._ K. Rool glared at him. "Uh, duh!? A squirrel! A mother fucking squirrel, Alfonce! Do you know how bad my reputation will be if my brother, K. Raphead, finds out I've got a GOD DAMN SQUIRREL on one of my islands!?" He boomed, getting right in Alfonce's face and yelling like a derranged bitch on steroids. Alfonce gulped. "Er, yes, sir. Sorry, sir." He grumbled. "What do you want me to do about it?" K. Rool grinned evilly, sipping his vodka slowly. "I want you to exterminate him." He said in a most sinister tone. "Permanently."

**End of part 2**

Oh, dammit! Halfway through writing this I realized why the HTML didn't work on the last chapter -.-;;; I had to capitalize the damn things. It'll be fixed along with the next chapter; guarenteed. Right, now do I sense a plot here? No? Didn't think so :p but anyway. I'm going to write an epilogue for this... okay not really. An epilogue OF SORTS. It's going to have a couple of paragraphs about what really happens _after_ the story ends, and a few notes, for example, I'll list all the parodies used. I've only got plans for a few parodies, though! I need some bloody help! Just name some movies, commercials, television shows... whatever, and I'll see if I can parody it. You can [e-mail][1] your suggestions or put 'em in a review. But I wuold REALLY appreciate it! Anyway, if anyone actually read this shit, please review it. Thanks!

   [1]: MAILTO:katiec@nb.sympatico.ca



	3. Crouching Squirrel, Hidden Tediz

Conker's _Other_ Bad Fur Day Part 2

©2001 This story was written by Katie (oh sure! Like I'll give you my last name!). It is totally 100% fictional, which is why it's a fanfic! If you wanna use it on your webpage, then you must e-mail me at katiec@nb.sympatico.ca. If I find my fanfic on your page without my permission, then I will personally kill you. Have a nice day :P!

LEGAL CONKER DISCLAIMER: © Random years, who knows... uhm, we'll say 2001, since this has nothing to do with Conker's Pocket Tails. Right. © 2001 Rare and Nintendo. All rights reserved.

LEGAL DONKEY KONG DISCLAIMER: © uh... well, I don't really have the proper copyright info for this one. Euh... anyway... it's copyright... 2000+, we'll say, by Rare and Nintendo. As always, all rights reserved.

NOTE: This story is NOT for kids! And plus, if you haven't beaten Conker's BFD before, there are plenty of evil spoilers around here that'll give away parts of the game, namely the ending. You've been warned! 

Conker arrived at the other end of the hole and looked around. As luck would have it, a boulder from out of nowhere appeared and blocked up the exit (or entrance, whatever). Conker sighed. "Well, that's _just_ what I freaking need. Ah, well. Let's take a look around here." He walked down a small hill, where just beyond, he was a group of... monkeys. In white ninja-type uniform. Swordfighting and fencing and... wait, that's the same thing. Conker looked around again, and saw a training dojo and what appeared to be a swordhouse. "Ah, yep, everything looks normal here. I'll go talk to one of those guys down there, I s'pose." He headed down the hill, into a lush gully with many ferns and other greenery. It was breathtaking. Many targets were set up for archery practice (some monkeys were, in fact, using them at that moment in time), as well as some fenced-in areas for swordfighting that wouldn't cause any harm to spectators. Benches aligned these areas. Inside the fence, the grass was bloodstained, as many deaths had probably taken place there. A severed (and probably fresh) monkey paw lay in the middle of one of the arenas. Conker made a face. "Well... that's... less than lovely..." He remarked, scanning the area a second time. He spotted an elder monkey, mopping up blood and trashing dead crocodile fragments. Conker called out to him. "Oi, you there!" The elder (or shall we say, janitor) looked up, adjusted his spectacles, and paid attention to the squirrel before him. "Yes, thank you. Uhm, where am I?" The monkey grinned a large, ugly, toothless grin. "Ah, yes, squirrel-grasshopper! You are in Monkey China Town." He spoke with a thick Chinese accent. "Much swordfighting happens here. The town itself is that way." He pointed north, where a path of lush forest wrapped together to look like a dark tunnel lay. Conker nodded. "Interesting. Any clue as to where I can find any Banana Coins?" he asked hopefully. The monkey nodded. "I will reward you one Banana Coin if you can do me a favour." He told Conker. Conker sighed. _Augh, more favours._ He thought, recalling the day before. _But if that's what he wants..._ "Sure, sure, a favour, right. What would that favour be, exactly?" The monkey's face grew serious. "Follow me," He instructed, gesturing his mop to the right. He dropped the mop and the wicker basket full of crocodile entrails, then headed in the area which he had gestured to. They walked by another fenced-in arena, just as one monkey was decapitating another. The dead monkey's head flew up into the air and landed right beside Conker, spraying blood all around him. Conker frowned and dodged the blood, disgusted. He followed the elder inside a small cabin made from bamboo, shaking his head. The elder shut the door. They were in the dark. "Now, Grasshopper..." He started. Conker quickly protested. "Uhm, my name is Conker, and I'm a squirrel, not an insect." The monkey shrugged, which of course, was not visable in the darkness of the cabin. "Bah, whatever. Anyway," He struck a match and lit a nearby candle which rested upon a table. The room lit up. "There is something I want you to see, Conker..." Conker's eyes widened. "No, I don't want money _that_ bad! I don't swing that way! We've only just met!" He protested. The monkey slapped himself on the forehead. "Oh, you great stupid shit. I didn't mean show you something in _that_ way. I meant for you to come here." He stalked toward a closet as Conker sighed in relief. "This is something I want you to see." He opened up a closet. Conker looked inside the closet, turning his head sideways every so often. "A black moth-eaten bathrobe? What the hell do you want to show me _that_ for?" He inquired, tapping his cheek lightly with an index finger. The monkey shook his head again. "Oh, bloody hell, you don't recognize a good samurai outfit when you see one?" He calmed down. "Anyway... there are these new evil-doers that appeared here in Monkey China Town just today. They're called 'Tediz', or something." Conker's eyes widened, and he shook his head. "Oh, no..." He grumbled. "More Tediz... wait, where do you think they came from?" Conker knew the Professor was past dead. He was VERY dead. Who else could have created the evil Tediz? The monkey sighed. "It's that fat King K. Rool bastard." He grumbled. "He made them, sent them here, and now he's ready to kill us all. Stupid wanker." Conker nodded. "Makes sense, I suppose. But what kind of a name is K. Rool?" He rolled his eyes. "Now let's see... samurai outfit? What f-" Conker noticed the michievious glint in the old monkey's eye. "-oorr... oh, shit."

Conker studied himself in the full-length mirror before him. However, it was difficult to see in the dim light. He blinked a few times. "Kick ASS!" He interjected in approval. "This is awesome, monkey person, seriously! So now, I've got to go get rid of the..." He paused, shuddering in utter disgust. "...Tediz?" The elder nodded. "But first, come here." He gestured toward a long, thin chest in the corner of the room, then slowly stalked over to it. Conker followed as the elder liften the lid. "This is the Green Sword of Death. Killed lots of those crocodile bastards in my time with this thing. The most powerful sword in the world." He removed it from the chest, and picked it up by the hilt, standing in a position that resembled a tiger, ready to pounce and strike. With one swift move, he struck a lead pipe. He paused, then left his stance. The pipe split and fell to the floor, broken. Conker's eyes widened as the elder handed him the sword. "I get rid of Tediz... with this sword?" He muttered in disbelief. The elder grinned his gummy grin, then nodded slowly. Conker shifted his gaze back to the sword. "I think I'm ready to kick some ass. Lead me in the right direction, monkey!"

Conker and the elder walked outside, Conker wielding the sword in a terribly lethal stance. One swipe could easily decapitate two Tediz in one shot, provided there were two Tediz standing within a two and a half foot diameter (yes, the blade was two and a half feet long). The monkey led Conker toward the dark, tree-roofed path. "Now, Conker," The elder began. "If you kill those Tediz, you'll get a Banana Coin. You must follow that path, then you will arrive at Monkey China Town." He looked Conker in the eye. "Your codename for this operation is... Jade Squirrel." Conker raised his eyebrow. "But... I'm a red squirrel." He protested. "Shouldn't I be Ruby Squirrel, or Crimson Squirrel or something like that?" The elder glared at Conker, then adjusted his spectacles and shook his head. "The first name requires only _one_syllable." He grumbled. Conker raised an eyebrow and nodded. "That... makes sense. Right then! Shall I go?" The elder nodded. "Just be careful. Tediz may be hiding in the trees. But, you look experienced in swordfighting." He complimented. Conker recalled the day before, when he had used a katana to decapitate an alien. He smirked slightly. "Well, sort of. Guess I'll be off then." He turned and started to walk down the path, death sword still in front of him, ready to strike when needed. "Seeya!" The elder waved as Conker snuck through the wood. "Good luck, Conker. You're going to need it."

Conker stalked through the lush jungle, his green-bladed sword ready in a lethal stance. He knew that if any Tediz arrived, they would be toast in under ten seconds flat. He grinned at the thought, which, however, was not visable beneath the black samurai silk that was wrapped from his nose down. While Conker was bathing in his own temporary sense of glory, a Tediz leapt out from behind a tree, a knife attached to a gun held in its paws. It grinned a sinister grin as it ran toward Conker, who quickly snapped out of it, and frowned. "Oh, no ya don't! You're not getting through me _that_ easily." He said to the Tediz, who was rapidly approaching him. "T'huyah!" Conker let out a loud battlecry, and thrust the Death Sword through the Tediz's neck, then tugging hard to his left, thus removing the head of the sinister bear. Stuffing and yellow liquid (could have been blood) sprayed everywhere as the Tediz's body plopped down to the ground, its head bouncing playfully before hitting the jungle floor with a sickening 'thud'. The Tediz was dead. Conker smirked, and looked down at the pathetic corpse. Just for fun, he attacked the knife-gun the Tediz held, slicing it to little pieces. If that Tediz couldn't have it, no Tediz would. He continued on, and came across a small, wooden sign sticking out of the ground. "Let's see... 'Monkey China Town, 1 mile'. Great, this may take longer than planned." He sighed, then shrugged. "Ah well." Out of nowhere came two Tediz, startling Conker and making him jump backwards. One of the Tediz grinned and brought out a pipe bomb. The other one brought out some handguns, and was about to shoot, when Conker got himself back together and thrust at the Tediz with all his might, decapitating him. He turned to the other one, who was in shock, and removed his head as well. He quickly picked up the pipe bomb and threw it as hard as he could toward the path ahead of him. It barely landed when it went off. Conker sighed with relief and whiped the sweat from his forehead. "Glad _that's_ over with." He muttered, continuing. He walked past the area where the pipe bomb had exploded, and noticed Tediz bodyparts everywhere. He counted six arms, three heads, two hearts, five lungs, and four legs. There was stuffing and yellow blood everywhere. "Sweet!" Conker exclaimed victoriously. "That pipe bomb musta got them. Guess those Tediz aren't as smart as they look." Of course then, Conker's luck ran out, as four Tediz ambushed him, two armed with handguns, two armed with knife-guns. Conker quickly thrust his sword, removing the heads of the two Tediz with the handguns. He knew those two would be the current threat, or would have been. He was about to move on to the other Tediz, but one of them ran up to him and stabbed him repeatedly in the stomach. Conker's eyes widened, and he stumbled slightly as blood seeped from the wound, and from his mouth. He fell over, dead.

The Hand of Death plucked Conker's extra squirrel tail, then brought him back to life, dropping him right behind the other two Tediz, who were having a quick smoke break. Conker was completely unscathed, unharmed, unwounded. He was still wearing his samurai suit, and he was still wielding the Green Sword. He smirked. This scene reminded him of the time he had interrupted the conversation of two Tediz doctors. He decided not to dwell on that now, but on the task at hand instead. He couldn't help but eavedrop on the two Tediz in front of him, though... "Yes, it was faaaabulous," One Tediz said in an incredibly poncey voice. "Simply faaaabulous." He took a quick drag from his cigarette. "And that's how it sounded. Simply delicious." Said the other, in a similar tone. "Wish I could've been there." "Oh, but you should have! It was magniiiificent." The first continued. They then heard the quiet pitterpatter of squirrel feet (or sneakers) behind them. "What the fuck!" They turned around. "It's that bloody squirrel. Quick! Into character!" They put away their cigarettes, then brought their knife-guns back out, hissing nonsense words in their own crude language. Conker saw this as his window of oppurtunity, and ran forward. He jerked the sword, but in a dancelike way, and spun around. Off flew the heads of the Tediz, and their bodies hit the ground with a loud thud. They were dead. Conker smirked. "Teach you to kill me, bastards." He muttered. He then saw a faint bit of red fur from behind a tree. He raised an eyebrow and walked over. Approaching the tree, he realized that there was a squirrel tail hanging from a hook on the tree. He grinned and put the tail into his pocket, hoping, though, that he wouldn't have to use it. He walked back to the path an continued on. 

Conker finished the job in the path, killing five more Tediz, each by morbid decapitation. He arrived safely on the other side of the path, with very few scratches and no wounds. We walked out slowly, viewing a large assortment of death, burning, destruction, and yet more death. His eyes widened as he watched Tediz murder monkeys right before his eyes; as houses burnt to cinders on the ground. Conker's eyes narrowed, and he sped toward the Tediz nearest to him. The Tediz quickly noticed him; he wasn't hard to miss, and started to approach him. He was ready to attack Conker with his knife-gun, when Conker leapt into the air. He was practically flying! "Whoa, cool!" He remarked as he bounded off in another direction. The Tediz leapt up as well, zipping towards Conker at an alarming speed. Conker gulped. He landed, then spun around. He decapitated the Tediz, and it died instantly, making a few short death cries as its neck was severed. Conker grinned. "Bring it on, Tediz, if you want to feel the wrath of Jade Squirrel!" He announced with an evil grin. Of course, this attracted more Tediz; about ten. Conker smirked, and with a quick swish of his sword, all the Tediz were beheaded. _This is too easy,_ he thought with a grin. Of course, then about one hundred Tediz came out from behind a burning building, and roughly one hundred more came out from another burning building. The camera panned in close to Conker's face, just to get the look of sheer worry plastered on his expression. "Oh, shiiiit!"

**End of part 3**

Okay, that wasn't as funny as the rest of 'em, but at least I put in a movie parody this time. If you want to contact me on AIM, by the way, my ID is "VertexBerri", I'm on practically all the time. Anyway, I've got at least two movie parodies planned for the next chapter! It's gonna be great! And lots of dying as well. Hehehe! BTW, sorry I killed off Conker for a second there. But he's alive and well now, so all is good! Any questions or comments? [E-mail][1] me! Oh yeah, I may not be updating another chapter until I write the War part of my Suicide Squirrel series. That's coming soon. After that will be the Colors one :D it's going to be fun! Okay, part 4 may be coming sooner, or later. It all depends on whether I wanna write Suicide Squirrel yet or not. Bye for now! PS: You'll notice the HTML actually _works_ this time ^^;;;

   [1]: mailto:katiec@nb.sympatico.ca



	4. Wormies and Birdies and Dragons, oh my!

Conker's _Other_ Bad Fur Day, Part 4

©2001 This story was written by Katie (oh sure! Like I'll give you my last name!). It is totally 100% fictional, which is why it's a fanfic! If you wanna use it on your webpage, then you must e-mail me at katiec@nb.sympatico.ca. If I find my fanfic on your page without my permission, then I will personally kill you. Have a nice day :P!

LEGAL CONKER DISCLAIMER: © Random years, who knows... uhm, we'll say 2001, since this has nothing to do with Conker's Pocket Tails. Right. © 2001 Rare and Nintendo. All rights reserved.

LEGAL DONKEY KONG DISCLAIMER: © uh... well, I don't really have the proper copyright info for this one. Euh... anyway... it's copyright... 2000+, we'll say, by Rare and Nintendo. As always, all rights reserved.

NOTE: This story is NOT for kids! And plus, if you haven't beaten Conker's BFD before, there are plenty of evil spoilers around here that'll give away parts of the game, namely the ending. You've been warned! 

Conker's _Other_ Bad Fur Day, Part 4

The Tediz sped toward Conker at an alarming pace, all of them wielding knife-guns, katanas, handguns, semi-auto rifles, and daggers, among other things. Conker gulped. _This is the end!_ He thought as the Tediz rushed toward him. _Even if I get brought back to life by this squirrel tail, I'm toast! I'll die again and face an eternity with Gregg! Ohhh noooo..._ The Tediz were practically face to face with him now, their weapons ready, when all of a sudden, everything stopped. Conker's eyes opened slowly. "Hello?... Uhm, hello?" He said, confused. His voice echoed throughout the city. He tapped the Tediz nearest to him on the head a few times, but nothing happened. Conker blinked, then came to that conclusion of realiation... "For fuck sakes! The game's frozen _again_!" He muttered, dropping his sword and slapping himself on the forehead. He sighed. "Hello, is there another computer programmer out there?" In green letters, the words "C:> Hi..." appeared in front of Conker. "Oh, hi!" Conker continued. "Hey listen, I won't tell your little pals that there's _another_ lock-up in the game if you do me a favour..." The programmer wrote "C:> Another one!? Oh, bloody hell." in response. Conker frowned. "Okay then, you want to be known as 'the programmer who let two bugs into the game'? Fine by me. I'll just go over here and wait till your boss comes around, then laugh when you get fired." He said, turning around and walking away. "C:> No no, wait! Fine, I'll do your stupid favour, what do you want?" The programmer typed. Conker grinned and came back. "I knew you'd see things my way. Okay, I want you to bring Berri back." He said. He forgot last time, he wasn't about to forget again. Suddenly, Berri appeared beside him. She was still lying down, but slowly her eyes opened, and she sat up. Conker's eyes widened, and he ran over and knelt down beside her, practically in tears. He gave her a hug. "Conker? Is, like, that you?" She said in confusion, returning the hug. Conker nodded. "Berri... I'm so glad to see you..." He whispered. He broke the hug, then looked her in the eyes. "Berri, I've never told you this before but... Berri, I love you." He said. Berri blinked a couple of times. "Conker, honey, what are you talking about? I saw you a few seconds ago! Then I, like, got sho-... oh my gawd." She covered her mouth. "Did I, like, die?" Conker nodded. "Yeah, you did. But you're okay now, Berri. Programmer!" Conker shouted. "C:> What now!?" Conker looked over at Berri. "Get Berri a geisha outfit, and a sword. She's more agile than I am, and I could use her help." He ordered. "C:> Yes, master. What else shall I do for you? Shine your shoes? Kiss your feet?" Conker smirked. "Yes, that'll do nicely. Hurry up!" Suddenly, Berri was fitted in an attractive geisha outfit, complete with an oriental bun. _*Author's note: So what if geisha are Japanese and this is set in a Chinese environment? It's my story, kiss my ass.*_ In a few more moments, a samurai sword similar to Conker's (only nowhere near as sharp, and not... green) appeared in Berri's hands. Conker grinned at Berri (although this wasn't visable from beneath the silk pulled over his mouth). "Whoa, you look great Berri! Okay, first we've gotta get into position. Berri-" He pointed to the group of one hundred Tediz on his left. "-you get those guys. Position yourself. I'll get the guys on the right." The two positioned themselves right by a small group of Tediz, and got their swords ready under their necks. "On three." Conker said, looking into the camera where the programmer _would_ be, provided Conker could look through the camera. "Three..." Conker started, glaring the Tediz before him in the eye. "Two..." He gripped onto his sword a bit harder. "One..." He paused. "ACTION!" The Tediz unfroze, and looked around, clearly confused. Conker and Berri immediately began slicing through the Tediz, getting rid of several at a time with the quick swipes of their swords. Tediz heads were flying all over the place. Fortunetly for the two squirrels, the Tediz were too confused to attack, and when they did, they ended up attacking one another because they were so close together. 

After awhile, the Tediz decreased in numbers, until finally they were all dead. Conker looked around, but heard a faint singsong voice in the background... "_Mop mop mop, all day long, mop mop mop while I sing this song. Gonna wash this floor, gonna make it shine, gonna scrub off the spraypaint with terpentine..._." It was another Tediz. Conker looked around for the source of the voice, then saw a Chinese café with the door wide open. Conker motioned for Berri to follow, and the two crept quietly toward the café, stepping lighly over still-burning fragments of houses and dead monkey entrails. The two walked silently into the café and saw... a Tediz janitor mopping the floor and listening to some music on his headphones. Conker glanced over at Berri. "I'll take this one." He whispered. Berri nodded. Conker walked slowly to the Tediz, then removed his headphones. The Tediz spun around, and Conker burst into song... "...Everybody was Kung-Fu fighting!" He sang. Berri joined in, then the skeptical Tediz began to sing as well. He grinned and did a whole song and dance routine. Conker saw this as his window of oppurtunity, so as the Tediz finished up his song and dance by sliding down on the floor on his knees, Conker quickly removed the Tediz's head. He smirked. "That was kinda fun. Let's see... what was he listening to?" Conker picked up the headphones and put them over his ears. A loud song with screaming squirrels and lots of heavy metal guitar blared in his ears. "Eugh, the Nutsacks!? They suck!" He removed the headphones and threw them on the floor, then slashed then repeatedly. He dusted himself off. "Conker, what exactly is going on here?" Berri asked, putting a hand on her hip. Conker spun around. "Berri, it's a _really_ long story, and we don't have much time. I'll tell you later, okay?" He said. Berri shrugged and nodded. The two walked out of the café, when suddenly a loud beep came from inside Conker's suit. "What the hell was that?" Conker wondered, searching around in his pockets. He came across a walkie-talkie, and wondered how he hadn't noticed it before. He pressed a button, then the elder's voice came through. "Conker! Something terrible has happened! Quick... we have to escape! I'll meet you in the town in a few minutes! Over!" The elder terminated the message. Conker raised an eyebrow (or he would if he had eyebrows). "Well now. That explains a lot now, doesn't it?" He muttered, sitting down. Berri sat beside him. "Conker, I, like, _really_ don't get this. Like, where are we? And why did a monkey just, like, call you? And why are we, like, killing all these Tediz and stuff?" She asked. Conker sighed. "As I told you, it's a really long story." He said. "But it was just last night, Berri. You just... died. There in my arms. And I was surrounded by idiots. Not to mention I had to kill an alien. It wasn't fun..." Berri put a hand on Conker's shoulder. "But I'm, like, here now, Conker. Isn't that, like, all that matters now?" She said. Conker looked at her, then laughed a bit. "I guess you're right, Berri. Tell me, though. When you died, did you visit a short grim reaper with a high voice with a severe hate for cats and squirrels?" He inquired. Berri raised an eyebrow. "Tch, you, like, must've been lonely." She said skeptically. Then her face turned serious. "No, Conker. I didn't visit any grim reaper." Conker frowned and snapped his fingers angrily. "Bugger! Of course, _I_ have to be the only squirrel who cuts the bad break..." He muttered. Berri raised her eyebrow again. "Nothing, nothing, Berri, nevermind!" Conker said quickly. Berri looked up. "It's funny, Conker." She started. "Everyone used to laugh at us when we, like, started going out, but now we're like, really close and stuff." She said. She laughed a bit. "It's funny... me dying was a big step in our relationship, wasn't it?" Conker nodded. "It's weird, but yeah. I really think it has. Now I know I'm going to make sure you don't die again." He took the squirrel tail out of his pocket. "I want you to have this, Berri." Berri looked disgusted. "Like, why are you giving me a squirrel tail? Geez, it's like, grimy..." She said with a raised eyebrow. Conker sighed. "If you use this, Berri, you won't die." Berri blinked, then took the tail and pocketed it. "Well, like, since you put it that way..." She said. She smiled, then kissed him. "Like, thanks, Conker." "RUN FOR YOUR FUCKING LIVES!" Came a voice with a thick Chinese accent. It was the elder. Conker and Berri stood abruptly, and saw the elder (as well as a group of other monkeys) running as fast as they could from the entrance to the town. The two squirrels could feel the ground shake, then they looked over to where the monkeys had come from, and they saw the ground... _moving_. Conker and Berri's eyes widened, and they ran as fast as they could to catch up to the monkeys. "What the hell is going on here!?" Conker shouted over the loud monkey screams. The elder started to shout back without even glancing at Conker. "It's the Tremble Worms! They can sense when anyone is moving on ground and will pull you under and kill you!" He panted as they sped down an alley. Suddenly, the loud cry of a bird echoed through the area. Conker looked up, and a large group of birds with very sharp beaks loomed above. Conker raised an eyebrow. "I take it they're not good, either." He muttered. The elder shook his head as the group leapt over a long, artificial lake, exiting the town and entering flat prairie. "You're right there. Those are the birds who'll peck our eyes out, if we're not careful." He grumbled. One young monkey spoke up. "Are the birds going to eat us, Mommy?" He asked. His mother shook her head, and kept on running. The elder quickly leapt onto a rock, and got everyone to stop. "We're going to cross the prairie over these rocks, then get to the nuke factory. We have to go in pairs. Each of you, grab a partner." The monkey went to grab Conker's hand, but Conker smacked the elder's hand. "Be someone else's buddy! BERRI! BEEEERRI!" He shouted. Berri ran over. "Chyeah?" She said, flipping her hair back. Conker grinned, then grabbed her hand. He pushed the elder with his free hand, and he started running. Conker and Berri followed him, jumping over gaps every so often. After quite a bit of jumping, a loud scream was heard. "The Tremble Worms!" A monkey cried, scrambling to get back on the rock he had just fallen from. "They're going to get me!" His wife hurried to get him back up. "Leave him!" Another male monkey shouted, grabbing the woman and pulling her along. She struggled to break free of the guy's paws, but to no avail. She wept. "I love you always!" She cried after her husband, before he was dragged inderground by the Tremble Worms, screaming the whole way. When the worms left, there was nothing but a skeleton left. His wife cried, but they kept on going.

After several people had had their eyes pecked out, and even more had fallen off the rocks, there were very few left. They arrived at the bomb barracks, with not a moment to lose. They leapt from rock to window, but some didn't quite make the jump. Several fell screaming down to the waiting worms below, and were eaten. Others got picked up by the low-flying buzzards. Finally, there were only five left altogether; Conker, Berri, the elder, one female monkey and one male. The male and female monkeys hugged eachother tightly and jabbered in repeated Chinese, while the elder looked for some bombs. He found an old crate with Chinese lettering on it. The lettering read "BOMBS", so he figured that must be it. He picked it up, and tossed it onto the ground. "Anybody got a lighter?" He asked. The male monkey was attempting to light a cigarette to calm him down, but he sighed and tossed the lighter to the elder. The elder fiddled with the lighter for a moment, then lit it. He torched the fuse of a bomb, and passed it to Berri, who passed it to Conker, who tossed it out the window. The bomb hit the ground, and exploded upon impact. Conker looked out the window to see the ground where the bomb had hit slightly lower than the rest of the ground. This was because the worms were elevating the ground around them. Conker noticed that there weren't really many worms, but then came to another realization... "How are we gonna take out the birds?" He asked. The elder grinned, then handed Conker an old crossbow. Conker smirked. He knew what to do with this. It was decided that Conker would shoot the birds, Berri would throw the bombs, the elder would sit there calmly, and the two other monkeys would... well, you know (hey, they were scared! I bet you'd do the same if you thought it was _your_ last day to live, wouldn't you?). The bomb-throwing and the bird-killing went for a very short time, and soon, all the birds and the worms were dead. Conker and Berri dusted off their hands. "That was really easy!" Conker remarked with a slight laugh. Berri nodded, dropping the crate of bombs. Conker tossed the crossbow out the window. "Guess I won't be needing this anymore." He said. He walked over to the elder. "So, what about my payment?" He asked. The elder sighed, then took a banana coin from his pocket. "Here's your stupid coin." He muttered. "Now leave me-" The elder was interrupted by a loud roar. "...alone?" The two squirrels and the monkey ran to the window to see what was happening. It was just their luck; there was a firebreathing dragon standing right outside. And of course, Conker had thrown the crossbow out the window. The elder snatched Conker's banana coin back. "This is mine until you slay the dragon." He said. Conker sighed. "Fine," He mumbled, rolling his eyes. "Where are the weapons?"

**End of part 4**

These are getting less and less funny, but ah well. Anyway, I thought it was kinda good... kinda. Well, I said I'd post up this chapter after chapter 1 of Suicide Squirrel, and I did! If you like this story, PLEASE read Suicide Squirrel. NO ONE has read it yet, or at least no one's reviewed it. PLEASE read it! First person to read and review it gets an imaginary cookie! Sweet deal, eh? Anyway, I won't be putting up part 5 until part 2 of Suicide's done. As always, e-mail me [here][1] or contact me via AIM at VertexBerri. Thank yaw!

   [1]: mailto:katiec@nb.sympatico.ca



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